Lemons - 15 elements: the damage

Wilma Derksen revisits the 15 Elements published in Confronting the Horror: the Aftermath of Violence.

Paralyzing Despair

May 1, 2009

It is normal and common in the aftermath of violence, to find ourselves in a place where we can't move. "Stuck" is the common term. This is a terrifying and painful place to be.
  
The cumulative trauma of the above elements of violence leave us paralyzed. In this place, we might be overcome with fear, anger, or grief. We might be confused, disoriented, and isolated. We might feel powerless, minimized, and devalued. We feel like we have become misfits in society. We might feel that we no longer have the energy or the resources to continue.

We might feel hopeless. Being stuck can make us very vulnerable. Almost all victims of murder, for instance, at some time feel a desire "to end it all".
 
We might fantasize about taking their life. There are many ways to kill oneself. Taking unusual risks, escaping into drugs, driving recklessly, all of these are normal inclinations when one is filled with despair.

We are victimized all over again by our own inability to gain control of our lives.

How do I deal with Paralyzing Despair?

1. Assess your despair.  Allow yourself to be stuck. Wait -- these feelings will not last. Feelings are fluid energies that move up and down and around. When we are feeling hopeless is not a good time to make decisions of what you are going to do with your life.

2. Do something that might change your mood. Remember something that helped before. Do you feel better after a walk?

3. You might want to review the list elements and try and analyze where you are "stuck". For example if you are stuck in grief displacement, you will consequently be stuck in the low energy of grief. You might need to than explore the literature on grief more fully and structure a program with someone on doing the "grief tasks". If you are stuck in anger, you might want to explore a program on "anger management". Inform your problem.

4. When you hit the very depths of your despair, call a friend. Call a crisis line. Submit to the moment and let yourself bottom out. Sometimes it is at the very bottom of the pond that we can start to ascend. Even the bottom can signal hope.